Each day brings with it a fresh new perspective towards life... Whether the instances or situations in life are small or big, they tend to open up the floodgates to a gush of thoughts & emotions. Some positive & some negative, but they offer a whole new dimension to think over.

In the past one year or so, I have managed to learn quite a bit about relationships... I value all those people who are far away from me. I have to come to understand & appreciate them much more. I regret not having done enough for them. I regret the times when I fought or argued or upset them. But that time will never come back. Now all that I can do is to pray for their well being and long life.

Life is really really strange... it loves to throw up things at you that you never imagine nor expect. At times I feel I am dealing with a competitor called 'life' who loves to challenge me, tease me, mock me, make fun of me... Someone who constantly reminds me to improve myself, transform myself & be someone far different from who I really am...
If I do something good, I get rewarded for it.. But when I dont do what is expected of me I get punished real bad...
Today, as I am cooped up in my room all alone, I can experience a whole lot of emotions at the same time... I feel sad, I feel scared, I feel light, I feel surreal - almost as if I am not going this experience...

I dont know what tomorrow is going to be like... I dont know how good or bad life is really going to be in the coming days, months or years. But what I know now is that I have to make some changes.. This changes may appear small & meaningless but they really are life-altering from my point of view. I dont want to do it for anyone else or any other reason. I want to do it for myself as it will make me come closer to myself.

Love is nothing but a myth...

The only thing which you can call your own is the 'pain' you carry in your heart... Rest everything is impermanent...

I wish to be free... free as a bird who can fly high in the skies... with no fears, restrictions, insecurities or boundaries... I want to be able to live the way I always wanted to...
I want to breathe the fresh air...I want to smell the lovely flowers... I want to witness the highs of life... I want to view the world from amazing heights...

Will my wishes ever come true?????

There is never really a reason to believe or disbelieve someone or something... It either exists or doesn't exist without any basis so to say.. It is only with time that truth presents itself to us and makes way for a confirmation or riddance of any pre-existing beliefs.

I need to let go - the past, present as well as the future... I need to start afresh! A new beginning implies getting rid of all the excess baggage... But this would imply making a lot of harsh changes to my life. Oh God! Please give me the strength to do as I intend to...

I really miss home... each & every moment... I miss the love, comfort and security of being with my family. But I also know that going back is never an option, no matter what the circumstances... I fully understand their questions & concerns but I have no proper answers...

I have to learn how to fight my battles all alone.. I have to learn to be strong & capable.. I have to work on myself a lot. A personal transformation was always an option that I desperately needed to exercise. But now, it has become a compulsion..
In order to live this life, I have no choice but to change myself into someone I am not...

Days come by much easier now... Either the pain has become accustomed to me or vice versa. Whatsoever it may be, the tears have paused for now. But life continues to be an impossibly enigmatic and rather difficult path to tread..
Emotions still run astray and thoughts just aimlessly float around all the time.. I tend to feel unloved and unwanted here. That my existence makes simply no difference to anyone. With time, I will have all my answers. I just hope they are the ones that I can handle..
I need a purpose - a strong enough purpose that can drive me away from the present mess and towards a meaningful end. My current to-do list isn't convincing at all. Nevertheless, I will have to go along with it for the time being.

'PAIN'... is all I can feel...

I just wish I wasn't such an emotional fool... At every step, I have to go through so much of pain because of my ridiculously emotional nature. Yet, I fail to learn... This huge jolt might just be the lesson that I will take. I need to be less emotional and more detached. I need to stop thinking about everyone... I need to learn how to live like a machine which mechanically performs all its tasks and depreciates gradually to meet its final death... maybe I can be like that. All it needs is some efforts! Hard work can help one achieve anything. So, let this be my goal in life....

Its not that I do not want to live the way others do - free and happy. Its just that I know that I won't be able to. I am a firm believer in destiny and karmas. The past has revealed to me that I am not meant to be happy, ever... I dont have the strength to fight my destiny or be hopeful that a miracle might be on its way. Now, I am at ease being in pain. I have accepted it as my life and my destiny.

Back to where I was...

Life loves to always throw me back on track... I am not allowed to deviate from my usual lifestyle that comprises of pain, anguish and insecurities... Last few months were probably the better ones of my life so far. Atleast I thought so...
But the carpet of comfort was yanked away from under my feet and I fell flat on my face. I find myself in a land of nothing - where I have noone with me, nowhere to go and nothing to look forward to. Life has become very painful, as it never ever was...
This time around I am devoid of any hope whatsoever... Whatever happens in the future, one thing is for sure - happiness will never knock on my door again...