A Leaf from someone's Diary!!!

I wake up every morning..with your thought on my mind.....
the wonderful moments we spent together...the harsh words spoken to each other..
either way it is painful.. and a painful start to the day ensures that every moment I face is with soaked with tears... Make all the efforts to atleast manage my daily chores decently.. (never knew a mere basic activity like brushing teeth would seem so burdensome)
try to gather all the bits n pieces of strength left in me to think of the other things in life( though i dont really care) i have to if not for myself for a few people who still love me..
Its completely pointless to even think of anything...coz all i can manage these days is to shed some tears...i do that till the time my pillow is completely wet or iv spent too long in the bathroom for others to have doubts... Then i make all the effort to put on a nice fake smile (while the crying is even louder within) and utter a few words to put all those doubts to rest ( regarding my sanity and normalcy).. to my own surprise i am actually getting so good at pretending...pretending to be really happy as if life 's so beautiful when i am completely shattered... i dont realise how time passes..and i face the most difficult time of the day..the sunsets.. i look at the moon and i think of him(what he must be doing at this time, thinking of someone else maybe..i hope not..i wish he's thinking of me)..i look at the beautiful orangish-blue skies and they make me nostalgic...i hear some music playing somewhere and i am in much more pain...i pick up the phone to call him or a msg him..thinking maybe he changed his mind..maybe the nightmares are over..maybe today he'll tell me how much he loves me and cant live without me.. but all i get is a few phone calls from my friends..i hear how happy they are in their respective lives with their respective life partners and i am so cruelly reminded that i am so bloody lonely ..n a damn loser in life... with nothing in my hands, noone in my life and nothing to look forward to.... these moments too pass!! coz my life might have stopped long ago..but time doesnt wait for anyone.. and y shd it wait for me to hop on to the journey of life!! after all everybody else is happily enjoyng the journey..a couple of people left on the platform of life doesnt matter..right?
Another day passes...i lie on my bed thinking of how i spent the day thinking of you.. cry a little more and when my eyes are tired of it they somehow make an attempt to rest for the day(they are the ones doing all the work thru-out the day) i say goodnight to myself...looking forward to the next day that would begin with your thoughts....

ME !!!!

I prefer my thoughts unstructured
Like my sentences unfinished
I love my emotions so baseless
Adore my existence so unfulfilled
I want only questions and no answers..
Dreams as they are..and no desires
Am used to my spaces so vacant
and my reflection so ordinary
Each day waking up without a purpose
Habituated to the lonely evenings
And the nights so restless
Let the prayers be unanswered
And the wishes uncared for…
And I accept my love unreciprocated…

Close to my Heart !

I always loved this song..but today it has acquired a completely new meaning....though i wish i could appreciate the beauty and pain of it like before...merely from a distance..

Tere bina zindagi se koi shikva toh nahi
shikva nahi..shikva nahi..shikva nahi
Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi toh nahi
zindagi nahi ..zindagi nahi...

Kaash aisa ho tere kadmon se
chun ke manzil chalein
aur kahin ...door kahin
Tum gar saath ho manzilon ki kami toh nahi
Tere bina zindagi se koi shikva toh nahi

Ji mein aata hai tere daman mein
sar chupa ke hum
rote rahein..rote rahein
Tere bhi aankhon mein aansuon ki nami toh nahi
Tere bina zindagi se koi shikva toh nahi

Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi toh nahi
zindagi nahi..zindagi nahi......zindagi nahi

Abstract

What does one do when life starts to leap from bad to worse..Does one sit back n watch the cruelties of life come into form..or Does one attempt to still make some change hoping for a solution?? i want to do the latter but stuck with the former!!
the Dreams in me are stifled..suffocated..they want to jump out n be a reality now...only if my destiny gave them a chance...i just want to kill them one by one..mayb that'll make life a lot easier for me!!!!

Just when things start to appear simpler n in control...it gets beyond me!! i thought i was moving towards my dreams..step by step..slowly n gradually..
m hunting for a strand of hope..a fragment of faith somewhere in my soul that can get me back to life..the life that i wish to live....the love that i long for...the smiles i wish to embrace....

In Mourning......

Today I stand at the graveyard..
mourning my own death...
yes, I died today.....
My tears choked me
The pain strangulated me
My love for someone pierced my heart
Yes the regrets n guilts abound..
There was so much I should have done
Even much more that I shdnt have
But I am happy n grateful for those rare moments
I loved and lived.....
I never got to see him for one last time...
Just wanted to hold his hand
and touch his face...
n rest in his arms...
n tell him just how thankful I am

Is It time to say Goodbye????

I gaze deep into your eyes
Do not find myself
Did I lose you somewhere??

Is it time to say Goodbye??

I hold you close in my arms
It no more feels as if we are one
Have you moved on??

Is it time to say Goodbye??

I run towards you with all my strength
But the distances only widen
Why are you walking backwards??

Is it time to say Goodbye??

I explored your thoughts
And I sought your words..

Am I nowhere ?????

Is it time to say Goodbye??

I am heartbroken...

Now dont you even see my pain??

Please answer me....

Is it time to say Goodbye??

Today I wish to know my own worth!!

Is my worth..the tears i shed
or the few smiles that came my way!!
Is my worth the false friends I made
or the true enemies I encountered!!
Is my worth the love i offered
or the hatred i recieved!
Is my worth the prayers you answered
or the curses I was born with!
Is it...the ruthless scars that were inflicted on me
or the beautiful soft embraces..

Is it the blemished soul...
Is it this broken heart...
Is it this restless mind...
Today I wish to know my own worth!!!
Please answer me..........

Abstract

All of a sudden I woke up...did i wake up from shallow sleep...or did i just wake up to the reality of life........ummm...dont know....everything of the past was a blur..very vague..i strained my mind to get rid of the haze..but the sight wasnt too comforting..there hardly had been any dreams fulfilled..only nightmares!!!loads of them..yet i hugged my dreams closely and tightly..after all they were the reason i was still moving on.but this very moment jolted me back to the cruelty of life....i find myself in a world that i knew existed but never confronted it.. well the time has arrived. and i think even i am tired of running away....

The face says it all, does it all!!


The world only takes you at your face value..does the face truly say it all??? What I feel, what I think is so immaterial…and only the plastic cover sums up my identity.
Today u’ll meet aplenty who talk at length about INNER BEAUTY, when they actually are out to promote and flaunt their exterior charm. And the reason they get to be there in the first place lecturing people is only coz of their outer self. Else why would neone listen to them
Who the hell cares about how you are?? I know there are people who can truly value a person and understand your worth but it’s a task such that searching for a needle in a haystack appears simpler.
As must be evident the reason I am writing is because I have not been blessed with drop dead stunning looks. Actually that would be a big thing...I don’t think I even demand a second look. But am I apologetic about it...of course not!! There was a time when I was but thank god I grew out of that ridiculousness with time. I realized there is more to my existence and I truly thank god for all that I have.But today I am giving a vent to my frustration (certainly not the first time) coz the world often makes u realize your shortcomings. And I guess I am unfortunate that I have not yet been able to overcome this emotion n end up getting hurt for no rhyme or reason. When I should actually have pity on all those people for their bigoted notion of an individual.
For Chris sake I am not an object meant for neone’s visual pleasure. I am a human and what exactly makes me a human is my ability of think and ability to feel. But who cares??

Reaching Out to your Soul..

When my tears float in your eyes
and your smiles I redefine
my thoughts fill up your world
the longing pierces like prickly pine
Bring your soul closer to mine!!

The gentle touch of winds feels like my embrace
when the dewdrop our love’s innocence define
flowers are more alluring than ever
and the moonlight mesmerizes, it is a sign
Bring your soul closer to mine!!

I promise to soak up all your pain
and the happiness we’ll combine
I propose all the love that ever be
and together make our abode a shrine
Please bring your soul closer to mine!!

Words often fail to convey
in silence, let the truth of love shine
never ever let go of faith
these threads are beautiful yet fine
Bring your soul closer to mine!!

When distances are immaterial
I live in your heart & you rest in mine
without one another our existence is incomplete
let our destinies marry to shape a fresh lifeline
Bring your soul closer to mine!!

I discovered you ages ago
just waiting for your soul to entwine
coz in the unison of souls
is the presence of divine..
Oh!! Please Bring Your Soul Closer to Mine!!

(Dedicated to Someone who continues to be a part of my imagination...COME ALIVE!! )

Pic Source: Corbis.com

I am missing him........yet again

Yet again……I found myself in agony
n yet again…he was there by my side
Its always been a mystery
I never ever had to reach out to him
I never had to wait
He always sensed my pain..
He arrived..lovingly looked at me in the eye
My vision blurred for moments
And then he gently touched my cheek
Stayed there with me for long….
Do not recollect when he withdrew
But as always I had been healed
By Him…..my best friend
He is the Drop of Tear that thrives on me
Others need someone to wipe their tears
I only want my tears to mend my broken heart………….my best friend.
I am missing him yet again…………….

Dawn is Approaching........

The night appeared to be unusually dark
Its significance in my life was stark
Stars and the moon vanished in the haze
Today my allies of gloom too parted ways
The clouds poured their heart out
Left me drenched in their tearful spout
Supressed wails found an echo in the thunder
To the fury of nature I had to eventually surrender
The outburst had me trembling and cold
Though the story had not been told
Gradually the clouds drifted to another destination
Coz in my world there had been a perfect rendition
There is a reason behind everything in life
This night had come to alleviate my strife
Now it was left on me to pick up the pieces
And smooth away all the painful creases
Know the task is arduous and the tides are strong
However promise myself to travel all along
The darkest night of my life still continues
But I can sense the proximity of morning hues..

As I Wait.....

I am dyin a little
each moment I live
As a drop of blood falls from the eye
it takes away a part of me
My loneliness shatters me from within,
the sound is deafening
The heart aches of hollowness
and everytime i sail through
I know it wont last
My hope is lost and I wait for the final moment..
I only pray for peace , when I lay on my death bed..
the time will come very soon
a wait..................not for very long
and I shall achieve the first victory of my life
in the arms of death................................

Rubaroo

Arson ke baad dil chaha aaj khud se rubaroo ho jaayein
Kuch baatein hum kahein aur chand alfaz woh sunayein....

Shayad un chubte sawalon ke jawaab aaj paa jaayein
Kaash ek pal ko issi duniya mein jannat ka ehsaas paa jaayein.....

Humne poocha ki hamein andheron ka khauf kyun hai
Aur na jaane ujale toh kabse khafa kyun hai.....

Koi saathi nahi..bas un bichde hue logon ki parchaiyan baaki hai
Bahut talasha us pyaar ko maine..par har taraf nakaami hi hai....

Har tamanna adhoori aur har khqwab bezubaan reh gaya
Haqeeqat aur khqwab ke milan ka armaan reh gaya....

woh bhi khamosh rehkar hamari bechargi par hans gaya
Aaj woh bhi hamein alvida kar gaya....