CHEERS!!!!!

Here comes the most exciting time of the year..My Birthday, Christmas and New Years!! :)

Wow!! There is an amazing amalgamation of emotions that I always experience and witness a beautiful potpourri of colours, festivities, lights and gifts and what not....And everytime I wish for time to stand still..for me...Coz I wish to absorb every bit of love splendour and enthusiasm circulating in the air..Enough to last for a year atleast :)

The funniest thing is that I have been cooped up in my room for past few days and not exactly a witness to the wonders outside..But I can almost visualise it..I can almost smell it and taste it and feel the tingling within.. heheheh..Hope to do lots of shopping and exciting stuff in the last few days of this year.. Have to make up for so much and undo the effects of a lot of things that should not have happened..

In a small little corner of my heart there is a tinge of darkness.. But today I am holding in my hands the candle of hope and the brilliance of the love in my life and countless blessings.. Today I want to be a little selfish and feel like saying a genuine prayer for myself..something I haven't done before. My dearest and sweetest Lord..I wish for lots and lots of happiness..oodles and oodles of love..tons & tons of success..and of course good health. Look forward to receiving my bag of goodies this Christmas. Amen!!! :)

Finding this Winter bit too cold...

This Winter seems to be the season of Love...All around me People are falling in love...getting engaged..wedding bells are ringing..Celebrations galore.... My Friends, Cousins, Family friends...Everyone is living a blissful life with their respective partners..And hey, as usual, without an exception I am excluded from these joys in life..Partly by choice and primarily by chance..

I am not complaining and I am not demanding..But yes, I am sad and terribly lonely...

I never realised I had changed so much in the past few months..Gone are the days when I used to be genuinely happy for others..I am certainly very happy for all my loved ones and have only good wishes to offer from the core of my heart..But still...it somewhere does leave a sour taste..I know it sounds awful..Frankly, I dont really care coz I am being honest to myself..

Things have changed drastically..not for the better of course.. The word friendship has lost its meaning..When their own little world is so beautiful, they dont really need an outsider..And the moments I want someone by my side, I dont have them..I feel as if I dont know these people anymore, who were an integral part of my life for years.. Maybe its just a passing phase..Hope so!!

The icing on the cake is my being single..I dont understand how and why it is a point of concern for the rest of the world..Every now and then, I find myself at the receiving end..Every person on the road has a lecture or an advice or an opinion to hand over..Gimme a break!! What the hell do you know and Why the hell do you care? Just coz their own life is hunky-dory gives them a right to point fingers at me..With not an inkling of what I might be possibly going through? Who doesnt want to be in love and be loved??
But its not in my hands.. I am living this life and noone can possibly understand what I go through..I do not expect anyone to understand or empathise or sympathise...But I desperately need peace..Let me be!! Please!! Let me be with the memories of the happier days gone by.. And the love and thoughts of those very very few people who mean the world to me and will always do.....

I have always been really really fond of the Winter season..The sun might get a little dull this time of the year but I used to be all bright and cheerful..Not this time though..I am definitely finding this winter a bit too cold....Looking forward to the Spring......................

Missing You..

On this cold wintery morning with a soft touch of sunshine...I find myself so lonely..Completely overpowered by your thoughts..Wish you knew How much I miss you and How much I want to be with you..

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Silence before the Storm!

Its an eerie feeling...this silence..It had started to get real comforting and I habituated myself to it..All of a sudden it feels creepy..I move around in the world carrying this invisible sheath around myself...Absolutely impenetrable..(Even I cannot get across it) Its a pathetic empty vaccuous experience for sure..the upside being riddance of the 'sensitivity' that was both my strongest and weakest point...I am aware of the sense of incompleteness..a milder version of identity crisis..Whatsoever, Don't have an option..

I am seriously tensed about the storm brewing at home..Neither prevention nor cure would work! Flow with the tide I guess and face the grim consequences.. Praying and Hoping for a Miracle.. Amen!

Nothing but Questions..

Is it the beginning or the end..

Or something in between?

Friendship or Love..

Or a relationship devoid of a label?

The burdensome past or thr future so dark

Or be in the Empty Present ?

Do I wish to Live or Die..

Isn't it just the same??

(I miss everything..the smiles..the laughter..the names..the chats..conversations..the warmth..the....everything!! Its so lonely once again...)

There is so much that can be said, simply by not saying anything... Silence speaks and speak volumes it does.. I wonder what to make of this silence... It conveys something meaningful..But I wish I wasn't this naive.. (Maybe it is asking me to quietly drift away..never to return..? Maybe! I got no other option)

Calling out to YOU...

Its like fighting a lost battle...Whatever be the outcome, I find myself on the losing end..

When I asked you for something, you chose not to give...And today, when that something walked upto my doorstep..I shut the doors..Immense fears and pain have engulfed me...Why My Lord?? Why do you constantly remind me that I am not meant to be happy.. Am being punished for which sin? I am calling out to you from the most penetrating depths of my soul..Please 'G' !! I demand an answer.. Why did you leave me in such a state? Why did you go away? I do realise that your love and blessings are always with me..But that is not enough..

Please comfort me when the tears flow endlessly..Please place your hand on my forehead when I am in agony... Please hug me coz I am lonely.. Please talk to me...guide me..show me the way..Noone can do that for me!! Only you understand the mess within and around me..Only you!!! Else, take me away !!!

I choose... Silence...

When I look for silence,

I find silence

Inside my soul.

When I look for my soul,

I find my soul

Inside my silence.

My silence bridges the gulf between my life's success and my life's failure.

My silence does not magnify my defects.

Nor does it connive at them.

My silence transforms my defects into strength indomitable.
My silence is a climbing flame that warms my world of despair.

My silence is my inner light.

No problem of mine can defy solution.

My silence is a selfless distributor of joy to ever-widening horizons.
In my silence I become a man of sterling character, a prolific writer, a voracious reader, a divine lover, a profound inspirer and a triumphant liberator.
In my deep silence I never become a victim to ignorance,

the greatest calamity that can befall any human being. In my growing silence,

I am convinced that even as a man on this earth I shall be able to reach heights, transcendental, divine.

My glowing silence alone can accelerate my Godward march.

(Words by Sri Chinmoy)

"Yeh honsla kaise jhuke

Yeh arzoo kaise ruke

Manzil mushkil toh kya

Dhundla saahil toh kya

Tanha yeh dil toh kya..

Raah pe kaante bikhre agar

Us pe toh phir bhi chalna hi hai

Shaam chupa le suraj magar

Raat ko ik din dhalna hi hai

Rut yeh tal jaayegi

Himmat rang laayegi

Subah phir aayegi...... "

Keeping the spirit alive!!! Come what may.. I will not give up!

Empty...

"Rishtey, Bharose, Chahat, Yakeen
Un sab ka daaman ab chaak hai
Samjhe the haathon mein hai zameen
Muththi jo khuli sab khaak hai....

Dil mein yeh shor hai kyun...?
Imaan kamzor hai kyun...?
Nazuk yeh dor hai kyun??? "

A special Thank you note..

"i'm so tired that i can't sleep
standing on the edge of something much too deep
it's funny how i feel so much yet cannot say a word
we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories...................."
(Sarah Mclachan, I will remember you)

Can't thank you enough
for the cruel betrayal
I cannot ever trust anyone again
Can't thank you enough
for all the beautiful pain
the tears simply refuse to die down
Thank you so much
for shattering my beliefs
about any kind of goodness in the world
Can't thank you enough
for all the sleepless nights
and the turbulent days

I genuinely can't thank you enough
Coz of all that I went through
I rediscovered myself..
"Weep not for the memories...."
Its just not worth it...
It never was..

I wish I could someday understand how and why people derive pleasure by ruthlessly betraying someone... Maybe the answer isn't important! Coz Life comes a full circle. What you sow is what you reap!! ;)

Reflecting Upon......

"I do not wish to treat relationships daintily, but
with the roughest courage. When they are real, they
are not glass threads or frost-work, but the solidest
thing we know."

"Be not the slave of your past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old."

"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

(My fav quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson)

At War...with the Self !

The battlelines had been clearly drawn..The Enemy was prepared for an intensive onslaught.. I, alone was pitted against an army of human and inhuman forces.. Stepped onto the battlefield suffering from a gallimaufry of emotions. The familiar nervousness , the expected mental strain and many a doubts...
It was still time for the official kick-off... Desperately needed this crucial spell to myself..Took a few deep breaths..I knew they wouldnt do any good to pacify the turmoil within..Nevertheless, it somewhat cleared the dust n grime..
Gradually lifted my gaze to match it with my opponents..Its one thing to know who you would encounter and another to actually face them on the war ground. Quivering and trembling, I scanned each and every one. They were all present..My insecurities..my failures n foibles..the deep-seated complexes dint miss the opportunity to come to fore..even the fears set out to take revenge..the ghosts of the dreams that had been strangled with my own hands sprung up today..Most tragic was the sight of those people I had loved more than myself..they had betrayed me before, laid bruises neither time nor love could heal.. Life was offering a legitimate chance to give back the grief.. (little did life know about the ways of love..it ultimately gets down to tormenting oneself)
Glanced back for my allies in the war..It was just me! My shadow, too, stood across the borderline. Pain was the only weapon I carried..(to be continued...)

"The secret art of war and love is to know when to give up and move on."

For the sake of Individuality..

If I ain't what others be,
they arent what's - ME!!

Sad In Spring !!!

I know I am quite an imperfect individual.
Have committed several mistakes..
Taken a few wrong decisions...
Lacked the will to carry through some commitments..
But I never ever regretted anything.
I took my failures as learning experiences..
Imbibed all the lessons that came my way..

But for the first time I am deeply regretting a decision..
a choice I made..
gotta bear the cost of my weaknesses for a long time
I wish to go back in time and erase those few chapters..
I want nothing of it in my present..
Want to take back each and every word I said..
Bury all those memories alive!
Forget those relations ever existed in my life.
Cant take it anymore..
M fed up of my tears..
I want to Let GO...But How??
Gloom has enveloped the brighter things of life
Sentiments r getting murkier
Feels so empty within.

In my own World !!!

"Kitni baatein yaad aati hai
Tasveerein si ban jaati hai
Main kaise inhe bhoolon
Dil ko kya samjhaoon..."

"Har ek roz naya aasmaan khulta hai
Khabar nahi hai ki kal din ka rang kya hoga
Palak se paani gira hai toh usko girne do
Koi purani tamanna pighal rahi hogi "
(My favourite lines..from two beautiful songs)

Why does it hurt?

"Dil-e-Nadaan Tujhe hua kya hai
Aakhir is dard ki dawa kya hai
Humko unse wafa ki hai umeed
Jo nahi jaante wafa kya hai "

It all comes back in flashes once in a while..bringing with it a whole lot of pain...It takes many a drops of tears to heal and get back to the reality...

Living it.....

Its a bizarre journey in an even more bizarre world.....

the moment you think you have it all figured out there is a fresher set of facts n figures to assimilate ...

the moment you find you're closer to your destination you realise it isnt what you struggled for...

the moment you feel you v found the love of your life, someone comes and wakes you up...

the moment you begin to understand the best way to lead life, the angel of death quietly slips his hand into yours...

So, Dont think Just Live..
Live for what you believe in!!!
Live for those who Love you !!!
Live for those you Love !!!
(but first make sure the person is worth your love)!!!
Most importantly, Live for yourself!!!
But in living for thy self always do Respect someone else's emotions as much as you respect yours!! :)

Hmmmmmmmm!!!!!!

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nothing more vulnerable than a just hurt heart...
nothing stronger than a hurt heart mended...
nothing more foolish than a young woman in love..
nothing wiser than a woman scorned by love....

(Came across these lines somewhere..)

If You hadnt been so foolish then, You probably wouldnt have been so wise today!!!
(Sigh....Sigh....)

As silly as it gets.....That's me!!

Feel like writing something today..
Its been a long time i penned something good
But Words seem to be in a mood to play hide n seek
And the pot pourri of thoughts only adds on to the trouble
Ther's plenty running through my mind
I am tired..Just want to sleep...Wish I could..
I totally detest that feeling of helplessness
Coz I often find myself in that state
There's loads of stuff to do..that i cant even figure out
where to begin...this, no ...that !!!
Aah!! Leave it..Let me just think a little more..
Gosh!! Do i make any sense at all??
Nothing new about that i guess ;)
So, signing off with a goodnight(to me of course, is there any one who even reads what i write or is even remotely interested in what i feel and think)
Sweet dreams dear...please try having a sound sleep today for a change(minus the nightmares) ;)

Wish i could get a big chocolate pastry with scoops of vanilla icecream at this hour........... :(

Love - Plain n Simple!!

Heere moti main na chahoon
Main toh chahoon sangam tera...
Main toh teriii....Saiyyan!!!
Tu hai mera...!!!!!!!!!! Saiyyan!!!

Fears come Alive!!

They say.."You must always conquer your fears. Look them in the eye...and let go of that feeling of fear..."

I decided to let go of my biggest fear.. I chose to venture into the unknown...I did confront my nightmares...it was so beautiful but only for a moment...Just for a moment...Only to realise a moment later that my worst fears had indeed come true..They stared at me in the eye and mocked at my helplessness..laughed at my misery..
I will never ever have the courage to overcome this....and its all the more painful to live with it now.. Was/Is the pleasure of a moment worth a lifetime of agonising pain???????? Dont think so...........

Lonely...I am so lonely!!!

Its just so lonely....I dont know what to do....

The Q&A's of Life !!

"The Warrior never loses sight of what endures, nor of bonds forged over time. He knows how to distinguish between the transient and the enduring. There comes a moment, however, when his passions suddenly disappear. Despite all his knowledge, he allows himself to be overwhelmed by despair: from one moment to the next, his faith is not what it was, things do not happen as he dreamed they would, tragedies occur in unfair and unexpected ways, and he begins to believe that his prayers are not being heeded. He continues to pray and to attend religious services, but he cannot decieve himself, his heart does not respond as it once did, and the words seem meaningless.
At such a moment, there is only one possible path to follow: keep practising. Say your prayers out of duty or fear, or for some other reason, but keep praying. Keep on, even if all seems in vain.
The angel in charge of receiving you words, and who is responsible for the joy of faith, has wandered off somewhere. However, he will soon be back and will only know where to find you if he or she hears a prayer or request from you lips....."

Today, I got an answer...a much-needed direction....

I believe in the questions life throws at me...but more importantly I believe that life itself would provide me with the answers...when the time is right..when I am prepared to understand those answers.
I am truly waiting for you my ANGEL ...COME SOON!!

Heights of Pessimism !! ;)

Came across it somewhere....found it to be ridiculously funny n yes pessimistic..!!

Those Three Wishes!!

It was time to renew the Wish List. hmmmmm....i thought and i thought and i thought... Am I out of wishes now?? eeeeeooooowwwww!! No Way! There's always so so much that I wanted out of life. I still do i guess...
I think harder...
(after couple of hours of wandering in different directions..) Came up with a strange one this time.. not a single object..nothing fancy...all plain basic boring stuff... what the hell has happend to me?

I wish for a SMILE !! I have forgotten what it is to be happy... Do you know where do they sell these things??
I wish for LOVE !! I really do not know what it is to be loved... Is there anyone out there who would love me and accept me the way I am??
I wish for PEACE within!! Have been so restless for so long.. Shd I book my tickets to the Himalayas ?? ;) ;)
This magic lamp is hardly magical :(

In Between......???????

I know of the darkness of the night...the pitch black skies.. black of the devil.. of impurity and sin.. And I am aware of white... So divine.. The color of Angels..of beauty, purity and perfection... (I also know of the colors of the rainbow, of flowers...so vibrant and so beautiful...exuding energy n enthusiasm n passion of life...)

But I never understood the greys...

As I look at life and its questions( and answers, maybe) it should be either black or white... Then what are the grey areas all about??

what the hell is the 'in between'...?? this is what perplexes me..

The world is in an absolute state of confusion..including myself of course ( no matter how much i try not to be a part of this world...it doesnt really change the fact) the confusion lies in the so called greys...we do not know what we want....we do not know what we do not want... i want this and at the same time want that as well..
Supposedly, there's a deeper message that emerges of it - the so called 'greys' i mean... not merely signifying confusion, it upholds the process of introspection and transformation.. It shouts at me... Think deeper!! Get in touch with your soul !!!

Then the greys will naturally gently fade out.... making way for clarity...... and Bliss !!

Love is all I need !!

(Borrowed from somewhere.)

Many people, in seeking out love, tend to look outward rather than inward. Yet falling in love with yourself can be just as wonderful an experience as falling in love with someone else. While the idea of falling in love with ourselves may be perceived as conceited or selfish, choosing to fall in love with who you are is a powerful act of self-love.

When you fall in love with yourself, you can't help but experience a wonderful sense of discovery. You begin to look at yourself again through fresh eyes, becoming more attentive to the little details that make you so unique. Once you discover how much there is about you to fall in love with, you can't help but want to treat yourself as lovingly and respectfully as you would treat anyone who is special to you. You start to give to yourself more because you become more attentive to your own needs and desires.

Choosing to fall in love with yourself is a very personal process that takes time. There is no magic wand you can wave to make this just happen. But there is the magic of your intention and the power of your actions, whether you are taking the time to do the activities you like, speaking to and treating yourself with respect, taking inventory of all your wonderful qualities and accomplishments, or nurturing yourself with plenty of rest and self-care. When you fall in love with yourself, you begin to see yourself more positively, appreciate your unique outlook on life, and treat yourself in a more nurturing way. In loving yourself, you are acknowledging that you are special and deserving of love. Best of all, you are giving yourself one of the greatest gifts you have to give another. You are giving yourself the gift of your love.

Happy Birthday 'G'

I still cannot believe that you are gone..coz i feel your presence everywhere..i think of you most of the time..i miss you a lot!! I never ever thought there would be a moment in my life without you..
But Life is always the unexpected !! Today on this very very special day..just want to tell you that I love you loads.. I miss you loads.. I know it would sound very selfish..but today I need you the most!! I promise that I am going to live by all that you taught me.. I am so grateful for all the blessings and the so very important lessons you taught me. Love u........

"Love left us...."

" Did she leave you? or did you leave her??....... Love left us.......!!!" ( A dialogue from the movie Metro) i dont know why these lines stayed with me..and i am still thinking....
Can our love for someone ever leave us? Or if a feeling just evaporates with time, can you even label it as love? Isnt that trivialising love???
maybe my definition of love is too strong n impractical...bordering on somewhat filmy(not this film though but the general view) or bookish version of love...the happily ever after kinds... yes maybe, but even if it isnt the happy n beautiful culmination of love into marriage..if things dont work out.. love remains n it should!!! Isnt that what love is all about?? Loving an individual always...till your last breath.. the expressions can change, the circumstances may differ..proximity might disappear.. other emotions might takeover our senses n mind..but Love remains..right? Quietly sitting in the corner of the heart.. beautiful..pure n unfazed.. That is love.... i guess!!! (...to be continued)

Will i ever be able to trust u again????

I trusted you blindly..told you all my secrets..shared with you all my dreams n ambitions..you know my fears..n you even supposedly understood my circumstances...yet you took all the wrong decisions..will i ever be able to trust you again?
in the conflict between you and the mind.. i always chose you-- my heart.. and all i got was pain..lies and betrayal..how could you do this to me? you promised me love..you promised me the happiness of the world and the beauty of life...you promised!!! Will i ever be able to trust you again??

Dont think so..coz you no more belong to me.. so how and why should i trust you?

............................

i patched up with my loneliness
and shared vows for a lifetime
i sold our precious dreams
they fetched me nothing
only time can heal these scars
but iv kept the time on hold..
i got rid of all the love & warmth in me
now i am a part of the world...

A Leaf from someone's Diary!!!

I wake up every morning..with your thought on my mind.....
the wonderful moments we spent together...the harsh words spoken to each other..
either way it is painful.. and a painful start to the day ensures that every moment I face is with soaked with tears... Make all the efforts to atleast manage my daily chores decently.. (never knew a mere basic activity like brushing teeth would seem so burdensome)
try to gather all the bits n pieces of strength left in me to think of the other things in life( though i dont really care) i have to if not for myself for a few people who still love me..
Its completely pointless to even think of anything...coz all i can manage these days is to shed some tears...i do that till the time my pillow is completely wet or iv spent too long in the bathroom for others to have doubts... Then i make all the effort to put on a nice fake smile (while the crying is even louder within) and utter a few words to put all those doubts to rest ( regarding my sanity and normalcy).. to my own surprise i am actually getting so good at pretending...pretending to be really happy as if life 's so beautiful when i am completely shattered... i dont realise how time passes..and i face the most difficult time of the day..the sunsets.. i look at the moon and i think of him(what he must be doing at this time, thinking of someone else maybe..i hope not..i wish he's thinking of me)..i look at the beautiful orangish-blue skies and they make me nostalgic...i hear some music playing somewhere and i am in much more pain...i pick up the phone to call him or a msg him..thinking maybe he changed his mind..maybe the nightmares are over..maybe today he'll tell me how much he loves me and cant live without me.. but all i get is a few phone calls from my friends..i hear how happy they are in their respective lives with their respective life partners and i am so cruelly reminded that i am so bloody lonely ..n a damn loser in life... with nothing in my hands, noone in my life and nothing to look forward to.... these moments too pass!! coz my life might have stopped long ago..but time doesnt wait for anyone.. and y shd it wait for me to hop on to the journey of life!! after all everybody else is happily enjoyng the journey..a couple of people left on the platform of life doesnt matter..right?
Another day passes...i lie on my bed thinking of how i spent the day thinking of you.. cry a little more and when my eyes are tired of it they somehow make an attempt to rest for the day(they are the ones doing all the work thru-out the day) i say goodnight to myself...looking forward to the next day that would begin with your thoughts....

ME !!!!

I prefer my thoughts unstructured
Like my sentences unfinished
I love my emotions so baseless
Adore my existence so unfulfilled
I want only questions and no answers..
Dreams as they are..and no desires
Am used to my spaces so vacant
and my reflection so ordinary
Each day waking up without a purpose
Habituated to the lonely evenings
And the nights so restless
Let the prayers be unanswered
And the wishes uncared for…
And I accept my love unreciprocated…

Close to my Heart !

I always loved this song..but today it has acquired a completely new meaning....though i wish i could appreciate the beauty and pain of it like before...merely from a distance..

Tere bina zindagi se koi shikva toh nahi
shikva nahi..shikva nahi..shikva nahi
Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi toh nahi
zindagi nahi ..zindagi nahi...

Kaash aisa ho tere kadmon se
chun ke manzil chalein
aur kahin ...door kahin
Tum gar saath ho manzilon ki kami toh nahi
Tere bina zindagi se koi shikva toh nahi

Ji mein aata hai tere daman mein
sar chupa ke hum
rote rahein..rote rahein
Tere bhi aankhon mein aansuon ki nami toh nahi
Tere bina zindagi se koi shikva toh nahi

Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi toh nahi
zindagi nahi..zindagi nahi......zindagi nahi

Abstract

What does one do when life starts to leap from bad to worse..Does one sit back n watch the cruelties of life come into form..or Does one attempt to still make some change hoping for a solution?? i want to do the latter but stuck with the former!!
the Dreams in me are stifled..suffocated..they want to jump out n be a reality now...only if my destiny gave them a chance...i just want to kill them one by one..mayb that'll make life a lot easier for me!!!!

Just when things start to appear simpler n in control...it gets beyond me!! i thought i was moving towards my dreams..step by step..slowly n gradually..
m hunting for a strand of hope..a fragment of faith somewhere in my soul that can get me back to life..the life that i wish to live....the love that i long for...the smiles i wish to embrace....

In Mourning......

Today I stand at the graveyard..
mourning my own death...
yes, I died today.....
My tears choked me
The pain strangulated me
My love for someone pierced my heart
Yes the regrets n guilts abound..
There was so much I should have done
Even much more that I shdnt have
But I am happy n grateful for those rare moments
I loved and lived.....
I never got to see him for one last time...
Just wanted to hold his hand
and touch his face...
n rest in his arms...
n tell him just how thankful I am

Is It time to say Goodbye????

I gaze deep into your eyes
Do not find myself
Did I lose you somewhere??

Is it time to say Goodbye??

I hold you close in my arms
It no more feels as if we are one
Have you moved on??

Is it time to say Goodbye??

I run towards you with all my strength
But the distances only widen
Why are you walking backwards??

Is it time to say Goodbye??

I explored your thoughts
And I sought your words..

Am I nowhere ?????

Is it time to say Goodbye??

I am heartbroken...

Now dont you even see my pain??

Please answer me....

Is it time to say Goodbye??

Today I wish to know my own worth!!

Is my worth..the tears i shed
or the few smiles that came my way!!
Is my worth the false friends I made
or the true enemies I encountered!!
Is my worth the love i offered
or the hatred i recieved!
Is my worth the prayers you answered
or the curses I was born with!
Is it...the ruthless scars that were inflicted on me
or the beautiful soft embraces..

Is it the blemished soul...
Is it this broken heart...
Is it this restless mind...
Today I wish to know my own worth!!!
Please answer me..........

Abstract

All of a sudden I woke up...did i wake up from shallow sleep...or did i just wake up to the reality of life........ummm...dont know....everything of the past was a blur..very vague..i strained my mind to get rid of the haze..but the sight wasnt too comforting..there hardly had been any dreams fulfilled..only nightmares!!!loads of them..yet i hugged my dreams closely and tightly..after all they were the reason i was still moving on.but this very moment jolted me back to the cruelty of life....i find myself in a world that i knew existed but never confronted it.. well the time has arrived. and i think even i am tired of running away....

The face says it all, does it all!!


The world only takes you at your face value..does the face truly say it all??? What I feel, what I think is so immaterial…and only the plastic cover sums up my identity.
Today u’ll meet aplenty who talk at length about INNER BEAUTY, when they actually are out to promote and flaunt their exterior charm. And the reason they get to be there in the first place lecturing people is only coz of their outer self. Else why would neone listen to them
Who the hell cares about how you are?? I know there are people who can truly value a person and understand your worth but it’s a task such that searching for a needle in a haystack appears simpler.
As must be evident the reason I am writing is because I have not been blessed with drop dead stunning looks. Actually that would be a big thing...I don’t think I even demand a second look. But am I apologetic about it...of course not!! There was a time when I was but thank god I grew out of that ridiculousness with time. I realized there is more to my existence and I truly thank god for all that I have.But today I am giving a vent to my frustration (certainly not the first time) coz the world often makes u realize your shortcomings. And I guess I am unfortunate that I have not yet been able to overcome this emotion n end up getting hurt for no rhyme or reason. When I should actually have pity on all those people for their bigoted notion of an individual.
For Chris sake I am not an object meant for neone’s visual pleasure. I am a human and what exactly makes me a human is my ability of think and ability to feel. But who cares??

Reaching Out to your Soul..

When my tears float in your eyes
and your smiles I redefine
my thoughts fill up your world
the longing pierces like prickly pine
Bring your soul closer to mine!!

The gentle touch of winds feels like my embrace
when the dewdrop our love’s innocence define
flowers are more alluring than ever
and the moonlight mesmerizes, it is a sign
Bring your soul closer to mine!!

I promise to soak up all your pain
and the happiness we’ll combine
I propose all the love that ever be
and together make our abode a shrine
Please bring your soul closer to mine!!

Words often fail to convey
in silence, let the truth of love shine
never ever let go of faith
these threads are beautiful yet fine
Bring your soul closer to mine!!

When distances are immaterial
I live in your heart & you rest in mine
without one another our existence is incomplete
let our destinies marry to shape a fresh lifeline
Bring your soul closer to mine!!

I discovered you ages ago
just waiting for your soul to entwine
coz in the unison of souls
is the presence of divine..
Oh!! Please Bring Your Soul Closer to Mine!!

(Dedicated to Someone who continues to be a part of my imagination...COME ALIVE!! )

Pic Source: Corbis.com

I am missing him........yet again

Yet again……I found myself in agony
n yet again…he was there by my side
Its always been a mystery
I never ever had to reach out to him
I never had to wait
He always sensed my pain..
He arrived..lovingly looked at me in the eye
My vision blurred for moments
And then he gently touched my cheek
Stayed there with me for long….
Do not recollect when he withdrew
But as always I had been healed
By Him…..my best friend
He is the Drop of Tear that thrives on me
Others need someone to wipe their tears
I only want my tears to mend my broken heart………….my best friend.
I am missing him yet again…………….

Dawn is Approaching........

The night appeared to be unusually dark
Its significance in my life was stark
Stars and the moon vanished in the haze
Today my allies of gloom too parted ways
The clouds poured their heart out
Left me drenched in their tearful spout
Supressed wails found an echo in the thunder
To the fury of nature I had to eventually surrender
The outburst had me trembling and cold
Though the story had not been told
Gradually the clouds drifted to another destination
Coz in my world there had been a perfect rendition
There is a reason behind everything in life
This night had come to alleviate my strife
Now it was left on me to pick up the pieces
And smooth away all the painful creases
Know the task is arduous and the tides are strong
However promise myself to travel all along
The darkest night of my life still continues
But I can sense the proximity of morning hues..

As I Wait.....

I am dyin a little
each moment I live
As a drop of blood falls from the eye
it takes away a part of me
My loneliness shatters me from within,
the sound is deafening
The heart aches of hollowness
and everytime i sail through
I know it wont last
My hope is lost and I wait for the final moment..
I only pray for peace , when I lay on my death bed..
the time will come very soon
a wait..................not for very long
and I shall achieve the first victory of my life
in the arms of death................................